Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
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When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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