I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
