I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
