Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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