i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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