Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
