I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I wish there were birth control emojis
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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