Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
