now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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