there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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