i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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