Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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