I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
PANTIES FOUND
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
