You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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