Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
