theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
