Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
