last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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