My liver just broke up with me...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
