And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
