Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
