I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
