just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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