he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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