I saw his package. It spoke to me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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