I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
