I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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