Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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