Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
