it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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