I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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