If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
