i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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