He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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