Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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