My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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