So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
