Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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