well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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