Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
