do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
