eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
handjob tips. give me some.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We're too hungover to prance.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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