I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My hand turned me down
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
