I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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