$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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