umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Randomize
