More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
