Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
