ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
