That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We just shotgunned beers for America
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
