I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize