don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
two words: eviction party
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
