Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
