He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
