Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
