Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
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this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
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I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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