apparently the secret to your success is patron
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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